My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
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My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
not to brag, but mine was free
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I am having an out of money experience.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.