People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
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i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
My Plans 2020
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed