Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
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[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Ken is short for chicken
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.