I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
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A Match(.com), but for socks.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.