At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
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I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Covid like
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*