[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
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Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”