Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
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I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny