If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
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My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
This is a true ally.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!