How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
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Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Banking tips
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what