Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
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trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it