You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
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“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
another case of gang violins
I can fix him.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
I only say stupid things when I talk.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs