At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
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pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.