if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
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Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.