After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
You Might Also Like
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Sometimes? I’m slipping
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!