i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
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Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Your secret is safeish with me
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!