Writing, She Murdered.
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I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
bugs when you lift up a rock
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty