[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
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The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.