Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
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Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
You’ll be OK
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday