Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
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ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
That’s amazing.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.