i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
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I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.