Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
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I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
This is a whole mood;
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I put the mess in domestic.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Hot hot hot 🥵
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Some people were born into their job.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose