My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
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What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.