Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
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In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Lunatics are gonna loon.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes