[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
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I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*