Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
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Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
*skinny dips into black hole
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup