SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
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Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
just witnessed a drug deal
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
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