-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
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In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away