Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
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If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
new wife guy just dropped
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”