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Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago