Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
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Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
True.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Finally, an explanation.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
kids play hide and seek like
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Banana is the quietest snack
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.