[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
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Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.