Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
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why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
good work, detective
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?