My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
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Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Succinctly put.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her