what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
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Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
You got this…
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Beware of the dog..
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”