Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
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Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
OH. COME. ON.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
rapatouille
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*