The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
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[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?