Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
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Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.