Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
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My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards