i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
You Might Also Like
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?