[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
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I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
You are what you delete.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Tier 3 meme