Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
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I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Tell me you get it…🤣
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.