Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
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‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.