Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
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If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday