Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
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If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?