If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
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My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special