If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
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Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.