“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
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why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
sistine chapel
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
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Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.