GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
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If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
i’m still crying at this
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months