I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
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Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.