Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
You Might Also Like
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.